Secrets I Can Only Tell Myself
by Northern-Southern Belle
Summary: Rumple and Belle's lives after the well scene and reunion, told through their diary entries. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: Only plot belongs to me!**

Note: I'm doing something a little different in this story, which was a prompt for a Rumbelle fic-a-thon, courtesy of user mysticpoet. It's based on a story form called the epistolary novel, which is one that's not written in normal narrative form, but through things like diary entries and letters. In this case, it's diary entries. There isn't any sort of narrator. It might take some time to get used to reading, but I think it will work in this situation, since it's about Rumple and Belle's individual journeys and journey together post well-scene. Belle's stuff is in italics and Rumple's are in bold. Also, this is a little AU-ish in terms of the timeline compared to the show. I've stretched it out a little to meet my needs. Also, thank you Marie for all your encouragement and help!

 _November 3_

 _I just…I can't speak. That's why I'm glad I have this pen. I've done something…something so heartbreaking that I don't know why I did it. Rumple did battle with Hook today. Dark Hook. It was brave considering that he doesn't have magic and could have very easily died. We decided that if he made it through, we would meet at the well to determine our future. I—I made it seem like there was hope for us, and then I…I didn't. When he reached the well, he looked so happy. He did that smile that he only does just for me when anyone else in town would be shown only anger or derision or impatience. He came close to me, wanted to embrace me, and I…I couldn't do it. I couldn't touch him. We've been apart all this time, him here in Storybrooke, unconscious and me in Camelot. You would think that I would have more sympathy and enthusiasm to give to a man I supposedly love. Maybe it would have been easier to think about him if I had been there at his bedside, stroking his hair and hoping every day that he would awaken. But being away from him, that…that made me think about things I dare not when he's at my side. Things like how I've put so much of my life and myself aside to be with him. It made it easier to look at my life more realistically. You have to think of things that way when you feel you're going to lose someone forever. People put a lot of stock in being together around here, but sometimes…sometimes you have to think about what it's like to be by yourself too._

 _I held him at distance when he came to me at the well. Or at least I tried to. I tried not to cry, tried not to show him how much I cared. And it was so…it was so hard. But I did it. I told him that if I agreed to go with him, we'd just go down the same path we always go down and that that's not enough for me anymore. Then he cried, and I was able to hold myself together until I got back and threw myself onto my bed. That was when I cried until I was pretty sure there wasn't an ounce of water left in my body. I'm numb now. I don't feel like myself. I don't even believe that I did what I did to him because it seems so unlike me. It was like someone else did it. Maybe I should thank them. This could be a blessing in disguise. I guess we'll see_

* * *

 **November 4**

 **I feel so alone. In all the time I've spent in this small and cursed town, I've been told that if someone is heroic and good, they'll get everything that they've ever wanted. I'm a hero now. I've got Excalibur. My heart is pure and…and that's not enough.**

 **I should have seen this coming. I should have known that. It was all just too good to be true. I didn't sleep well last night because Belle's words rung in my mind. She told me that she needed to leave me. To think about herself and her life, and that she's devoted too many years to me without any sort of return on investment. Maybe I shouldn't blame her. When I made our original deal, I told her what she had to do for me, but I never said what I would do for her. Maybe if I had, she'd still be here.**

 **Or** _ **am**_ **I entirely to blame? Maybe it's not that I never said what I'd do for her. Maybe it's that I've been too afraid to tell her what I need in order for our relationship to work. Could it be that she leaves not because she doesn't love me, but because she doesn't understand what I need from her to be the sort of man she wants me to be? I'm more than willing, but by now, I know that it's impossible to accomplish by myself? I need to talk to her again. I need to explain that. And then, just maybe, we'll get our happy ending after all.**

* * *

 _November 5_

 _I'm writing this now because I can't sleep. I can just think of Rumple: His tears, his gaze, his pleading to let me show him just how much of a hero he can be. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have given him a chance to show just how much he's changed. Wait, should I? Or would that end up like all the other times he's promised to change and then deceived me in the end? I don't know, I really don't. I've told him for a long time that everyone deserves a second chance. That even the most wonderful books can have ruined covers. What kind of example am I setting just leaving him like that? I'm a hypocrite!_

 _I still don't think that giving myself time was wrong. But I do think I should let him know that I don't intend to leave him forever. Maybe give it a couple more days. Then I can see him again. Talk to him. Set the ground rules for how our new relationship will work. Because I still believe that we can have one. Just that it shouldn't be just like it did. Not if I want to be happy, that is._

* * *

 **November 6**

 **Received a note from Belle today. Or at least I believe it was from her. It was delivered to my door and then when I opened it to see who'd come to me, there was no one on the other side. Just an envelope on the ground with my name and a note with no signature, saying that someone would see me tonight at eight. If it was Belle, I have so much to do. I believe I'm finally getting the second chance I've always wanted, and like everyone else in this town, we will live happily ever after. Once I've told her what I need, that is. I know I've said it before, but it's very important. My very happiness depends on it. Not power. Not wealth. Talking. Being open. Being honest. Who knew?**

 **Later…**

 **Just as I suspected, Belle** _ **did**_ **come to me. She was so beautiful, wearing her dress that's the same color as her lovely blue eyes. She even laughed and smiled at me once. Her laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds in the entire world. Or maybe** _ **the**_ **most beautiful. Even more than the sound of the wheel turning as I spin. She told me that she's ready for us to be friends. Maybe even to chart out a future together. But that getting to where we were before would take time.**

 **I told her that was fine as long as I got to be with her, to have her in my life. She's the one I need more than anything in the world, although I suppose she shouldn't be the only thing keeping me on good behavior. I guess I should know by now that that's asking too much of one person. That drove Bae away and I don't want it to happen to Belle again too. I'm going to try my best and we'll see how things go.**

* * *

 _November 13_

 _I thought I would surprise Rumple today. I went out and bought rings for us. Not wedding rings. I don't want to get married again, not yet. But the rings I got were a promise that we would someday. And that it would all be done in a place of honesty, unlike last time we were married. I hope that doesn't taint things. I don't want to spend my whole wedding wondering if he's really going to be able to keep his promise. And that's the issue, isn't it? How can I have a true relationship with Rumple if I'm always worrying whether or not he's lying to me? Do I just stay away so that I know I won't be hurt for sure? Or do I risk giving him just one more chance and hope with all I have in me that this will be the time he doesn't make a mistake and undo everything that I hoped we meant to him?_

 _Cause there's nothing like getting in your nicest clothes and thinking that you're going to experience the most wonderful day of your life, only to find out that you've been deceived when he had the nerve to smile to your face and tell you that he loved you and that he'd never tell you a lie. Goodness. No. This time, I think I'll choose to trust. I think the thought of losing me shocked him so much that he'll never do anything to risk that again._

* * *

 **November 14**

 **I invited Belle to dinner. Since the shop doesn't do much in terms of business anymore, I had time to make it really special for her. So she came, she told me "Hello," she let me kiss her hand, and then before we sat down to eat, she said, "I've decided to trust you, and I need to know that I can count on you not to do anything that will jeopardize our relationship again. Do I have your word on that?"**

 **I told her that of course she did, but then I did something that I'd never done before. I got up my courage and, just as I said I would, gave her my own conditions as well. "You know I'd do anything to make you happy, Belle," I said. "But I just…I think you and I both know based on past events, that I can't keep that promise alone, no matter how much I want to. Being the Dark One is a very dangerous thing, which I'm sure you understand. It's not something that I can wake up one day and ignore just because you want me to or I want me to. If only it were that way, things would be so much easier. If I'm going be good for you forever, I need your help, and I need your patience. Not just your criticism, shame, and the belief that I can be good alone. Because it doesn't do any good. If we're going to be in this forever, we need to be partners. I need to know that I can ask you to put just as much into our relationship as you ask me to. Do you understand that?"**

 **She seemed taken aback that I asked such a thing of her, something I don't blame her for because one of my greatest flaws is that I have trouble speaking up for myself in front of women, even my darling Belle. I thought of taking it back, but then I told myself that I had to stand firm. That she wasn't like Milah and wouldn't send me on my way or berate me for taking a stance.**

 **She was silent for a long time and then said, "I'm sorry, Rumple. I never knew you felt that way. I should have figured it out, though. I think of myself as being so sensitive, but I'm really not, I guess."**

" **Oh, don't be that hard on yourself," I told her. "You believed in me when no one else would. You believed in my goodness, and that was a good start. You shouldn't feel shame for that. You shouldn't feel shame at all. How could you know that I need help when I wouldn't tell you? But I'm telling you now. All right?"**

 **She nodded. "All right." She paused and then went on. "You know that…that makes me have a little more hope for our future, knowing that by working with you, there's no way you'll be able to keep anything from me."**

" **I should hope not," I said. "Now, what is it that you want of me? Anything else that hasn't been said before?"**

 **She nodded. "I think…I think I should rephrase the conditions I've put on you before. I just…I want you to try your best. I want you to try not to murder, or lie, or anything like that. Or if you feel the urge, just tell me, and I'll help you deal with it the best I can. Deal?"**

" **Yes," I smiled. "Deal." I reached out and shook her hand, and then I heard her stomach rumble. "Why don't we take a break from all this serious conversation for a few moments and eat?" I suggested.**

" **Yes," Belle nodded with a smile. She put the napkin on her lap as I reached for the picnic basket under the table.**

* * *

 _November 14_

 _Rumple and I had dinner last night. It was a very eye-opening experience for me. I told him what I needed to make our relationship work, and to my surprise, he told me what he needed too, things I'd not considered before. So it was good he spoke up. I guess I've asked him to do a lot without help, but now we've made a solemn vow to help each other out every step of the way in our relationship. He promised me that, and I think that now that he knows he'll have my help, it'll be a much easier promise for him to keep. I don't know why I didn't take the time to talk to him about it before. It…it would have saved us a lot of heartache and loneliness._

 _We took a walk after dinner. But it wasn't a romantic walk. We didn't even hold hands._

 _I told him that I was glad that he'd opened up to me. I know how hard it is for him to do that. How terrifying. But that the vow we'd made at our wedding was forever. That I'd never intended to leave him permanently. Just until I figured out how to have a relationship with him without losing myself. And that despite the emphasis on love in our little town, there are many ways to be together. If I wasn't his wife, I could be his friend until we were in a comfortable place for both of us to pursue marriage again. Because when you tell someone that you're going to be with them forever, that means something, regardless of what capacity you fill in their life. Then, I put the ring I'd bought for him in his hand and slipped on my own. I told him that the ring was a symbol of that promise of forever to me, and that even though it didn't necessarily mean marriage now, I hoped that someday, it might._

 _He nodded and looked at his ring for a moment and then shocked me by letting his cane fall to the floor, wincing as he got down on one knee, took my hand, and looked me in the eye._

" _What are you doing?" I asked. "Rumple, you'll hurt yourself. Please get up."_

" _No," he said, and I could tell he was trying not to wince. "I want to do this right. I want to assure you that I will do everything I can to win your trust again and keep it, even if it hurts me. Even if it terrifies me so much that I want to run away. I won't this time. I won't. Like I've already warned you, though, my vow to become a better man will not happen overnight. Every morning, when I'm alone with my thoughts and I look in the mirror, I still see the beast you met in your father's castle so many years ago. But it's getting better. You helped me realize that I don't need to be powerful and frightening to have worth. That it shouldn't matter so much what other people think of me, only what I think of myself. And that…that's very important, and I'm so glad I'm learning that lesson. You saw the man behind the coward and the man behind the beast, and that gives me courage to do the same, even if I falter sometimes and you feel the man you love is lost. I believe he's beginning to come back, though, and with your help, he'll stay for good." He stood up then. "When you said you would help me, did you mean it?"_

" _Yes," I told him with a smile and finally took hold of his free arm to walk him back to the shop. "And if I forget, don't hesitate to say something."_

" _I won't now," he told me. "Don't worry."_

* * *

 **May 15**

 **It's hard to believe, but it's been a year and a half since Belle and I made our vow to come back together and have a relationship of love and honesty. We managed to succeed at that, and today, in an hour, she'll be my wife. But it won't be like it was the last time we married. This time, we don't have any secrets. And when I stand with her and say my vows, I'll mean them with all my heart and not have any secrets about daggers or anything else. I don't need to when I have my Belle and a beautiful, sunny spring day. Although it's tradition to not look at the bride before the wedding, I've seen Belle in her dress and she's beautiful. As for me, I don't look too bad myself. I even taught Belle how to spin and she made me a little square that I keep in my pocket. That's my "something new." For her "Something old", I gave her a tiny volume of romantic poetry that she's carrying in a small purse. With those two things, we've probably given each other more of ourselves than we ever did prior to this marriage. Hopefully that will lead to good things. Hopefully.**

* * *

 _September 25_

 _Our wedding was so nice and now we get to keep celebrating! Not long after it, I discovered I was pregnant, and tomorrow, we're going to the hospital to find out the sex of our child. Rumple says we don't need to do it. He knows in his heart that it's a girl and has already taken to calling her Valerie. He says it means "brave", and that's what he wants her (or any of our children to be). I don't mind it. I like the sound of the name Valerie Gold. But I wonder what name we'll pick if it turns out we're having a boy?_

 **The End**


End file.
